Mumser, Schmendrick & Klein, P.A.
Boca Raton, Florida
Dear Madam Speaker Pelosi, Your Beautiful and Royal Omnipotence:
Please accept my apology for intruding upon your Botox treatment time but, you did tell me that I could come to you with any problem, at any time.
You’ll recall that back in 2008, I first complained to you about this former soldier-person named, LTC. Allen West (Ret) who wanted to take away my Dist.22 Congressional seat. Well as you know, I barely beat him out last time but Madam Speaker, he’s back again! This time, he’s well organized and he’s got money. And, he really, really frightens me. Help me please Nancy – help me!
In the first place, I’m confused about why any of ‘my people’ would find him attractive, compared to me. As I’ve told the press on many occasions, I reflect the ‘true image’ of the constituents of District 22. I mean, I’m white and Jewish and Allen West is black and Christian. I’m a well-known big time lawyer and lobbyist and I have went to the best schools. Okay – so West has two Masters degrees from a couple of rink-dink schools – like the University of Tennessee and he’s been graduated from a slew of military command schools. He even taught high school in Plantation, Florida. Okay – so he served in 13 countries and commanded troops in several fighting wars during his 22 years on active duty in the U. S. Army. And, he has personally been awarded medals for valor and other decorations for meritorious service. Big deal.
But, I reside in a million dollar mansion with tight security, while he just lives in a middle-class neighborhood with his wife who also holds degrees, and their two teen-age daughters. Can you imagine, he lives surrounded by every day, working class Americans? Oh, did I mention that he’s black?
Now, here’s the worst part Madam Speaker, he’s being interviewed all over the national TV – and you know that so many of ‘my people’ (I’m Jewish, y’know) just go crazy for celebrities. Well, a lot of ‘my elderly people’ who live in King’s Point and Century Village, are now going to listen to him speak in Synagogues. Can you believe it? I get invited to debate with him but doggone it, my schedule always has me booked someplace else on those very dates.
And, West even had the nerve to visit Israel a few months back and I’m told they loved him over there. Joyce Kaufman – she’s the one who calls me the Pillsbury doughboy (I hate that) – she never stops talking about him. Why is he so popular? What’s that all about? I don’t get it.
Thanks to you Madam Speaker, I serve on several House Committees and I don’t take a back seat to anybody when it comes to handing out American flags that have been flown over the Capitol. I speak to a lot to Veterans Groups and always remind them about their sacrifices on behalf of our country. And I strictly monitor my task force on anti-Semitism to make certain that it has a fair and balanced staff. That includes Rep. Keith Ellison, our first out-of-the-closet Muslim Rep. who placed his hand on the Koran rather than on the Holy Bible, when he took the oath of office. I’ve checked him out - and he’s okay in my book.
Plus, I do a lot of other good stuff too, y’know – and I discuss the safe issues as often as I can but, it takes up so much of my time just trying to avoid being in the same place at the same time, as LTC. Allen West. That guy is all over the place.
All the local newspapers love me; they show my picture at every opportunity and they avoid showing West’s photo whenever they can. When I speak, I always get polite applause. Whenever West speaks, he draws 300-500 people and they stand up, cheer and make a lot of noise.
No kidding Madam Speaker – I’m scared. You’ve gotta help me! I’ll do anything you say.
By the way, have I told you how absolutely stunning you look, today?
Your most obedient, loyal and subservient servant,
[The author of this satire shall remain anonymous]